Dear Corey Feldman

 
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Dear Corey Feldman, 

Real men cry. I just wanted to get that out of the way from the start. People are mean and real men know when it’s time to cry. And you really deserved a good cry.

But I think we should talk. From a branding expert to a former-child star, I think you should seriously take my advice to heart. 

Before we get into the album, I need to talk to you about that video. That deleted video. Like I said, you deserved a good ‘ol cry, but if you take yourself that seriously, you’ve got some bigger issues. You can feel bummed out for a bit, but then you need to laugh it off. Laugh at yourself so people laugh with you. Not at you. 

I’m all for changing career directions. You seem to be thriving in the rocker roll. But the cover for Angelic 2 The Core: There’s nothing angelic about it. And by that I mean there’s nothing good about it. The art and the typeface look both tacky and outdated, and it’s something you honestly should reconsider. Most of us don’t respond to numbers in place of words. These days, the kids are in favor of words—full words. 

If there’s one thing I talk about, it’s the importance of photography. And two angels pulling you out of a fire pit? That’s not exactly showing you at your best. Perhaps try a more sleek-looking image. One that says “I’m a middle-aged rocker but I also have my life together.” Something like that. 

So now you must be thinking, How on earth do I come back from this? Fire everyone on your team. Seriously. They have got to go. You hired those people for their valuable opinion, and their opinions got you nowhere. They got you to where you are right now. No place great. In this circumstance, their opinion led to your public downfall. They did you a disservice and you need them out of your life immediately.

And this last point might sound harsh, but I think you need to hear it. If you cannot sing, do not sing. If your Today Show performance was any indication of your musical talent, you have to be honest with yourself and realize that this isn't your forte. Just because you love something doesn’t mean you’re great at it.

And if this is a publicity stunt, I suppose it worked—we're talking about you now, but it won't last long. You need some talent and a memorable brand to keep us interested for the long run.

My opinion? Continue making music as a parody, team up with Weird Al or Lonely Island, and let music be fun instead of serious. That way when people laugh at you, you’ll be in on the joke, instead of crying about it.